Thursday, March 31, 2011

A Better Place

The way you look at me,

It's like a stranger.

You say you don't understand how it got this bad.

You tell me you don't think it's worth it anymore.

I should have protested then,

I should have said something, anything!

I remember your last touch,

Your sad eyes as you turned away from me.

If I could find you now,

I'd tell you how different it is now.

How different I am now.

But I know.

You've found a better place.

Your dreams are being played out before your eyes,

When before I held you back.

Your eyes are dry now.

The tears are gone.

They left when I was thrown out of your life.

Forgive me for being jealous,

But you were the best thing to happen to me.

And I loved you,

Still love you,

Even with the knowledge of being the worst thing to happen to you.

My life will never be the same without you.

As yours will never be without me.

You're in a better place now.

And I hope you find everything you deserve.

Even if that everything doesn't include me.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I Miss Those Laser Light Shows.

Looking back, I've found that I don't miss who I was, but I miss a few key elements of what made life a little more exciting.

I used to spend a lot more time with the few friends I spent time with outside of college classes and work.

We generally just wasted the days, causing trouble and glaring at the people who considered our actions "distasteful".

I also spent a decent amount of time drinking and going to festivals with those friends, and while I don't think I want to bring alcohol back into my life, I do miss going out.

I miss the fireworks and the useless conversations.

I miss the touches and the appreciation I felt from my long gone friends.

I suppose I really just miss being a part of something, no matter how troublesome that "something" was.

I am certainly happy to be in a much more stable place now.

I love my husband, and how much he works to keep us happy.

I love my home, and how it's always better there than anywhere else.

I love my job, and that it's not always rushed.

And I love the freedom I have for most of the day, and even the silence that goes along with it.

I just wish I were a little more outgoing.

Something to make connecting with other people easier.


I wish AJ , my cousin, were closer.



Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Some Days...

Some days it starts slow, and the sun is always shining brightly.

Those days I don't hear it at all, and the day is blissfully silent.

Those are the times when my husband is more than excited to come home and see me,

And I'm more than happy enough to not only cook, entertain, and interact with him,

But to also whisper to myself what I am thankful for.

And then some days it happens quickly.

The sky is dark and I awake in pain.

I cry because I'm alone when my dreams fade away,

Because all the things I usually do with a smile suddenly become harsh and cold.

Standing up becomes a challenge,

As does caring about housework,

Or what may be going on around me.

"The atmosphere is different, and that's before I make it home." He says.

Those days not much is said,

Not much is laughed about,

And hugs are forgotten.

The tears fall down as I hear what I know he doesn't.

"You'll never be happy."

"You don't deserve it."

"He's angry at you."

"Your ideas are terrible."

"This will never improve, and neither will you."

The worst ones come when I'm alone, however.

"Where are your friends?

Your husband?

Where is the love you claim to have?"

A promise to myself?

Tomorrow WILL be better.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Call It...

Call it an online journal.

Call it ranting.

Call it praise.

Call it love.

Call it hate.

Call it friend,

Or call it foe.

But as for me,

Call me lover, caregiver, listener, wanderer, native, temptress, spellbinder, artisan, author, or my favorite, recluse.